Saturday, March 29, 2008
Giving up...
Oh well, I'm back....
And seriously speaking, I am SERIOUSLY thinking of resigning.....
What with yesterday's issue; my mind AND heart are BOTH agreeing and telling me (for once) that I should go now, while I still have SOME good memories in this company, before I further lose and destroy myself ...
Basically, what happened yesterday was this:
After some basic training that was like REALLY basic and not even much of a training period, I.Was.Thrown.To.The.Battleground.
ALIVE.
ALONE.
In this ONE man show, within 30 minutes of starting work at 8.30am, I feel so LOVED by my company and my work.... #$%^&*
20+ faxes and letters at my table in the morning, screaming for MY attention (which I FINALLY gave up since I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what they want, what I CAN DO FOR THEM and whatever I do, I'm still gonna get complaints from them to my boss when I call them)...
You may think I am making no sense in this, since it's only 20+ letters and faxes...
But then, I felt so lost and useless... Simply because:
1. I'm the type who MUST and WILL finish the stupid faxes and letters within the day.
2. I plug in to my MP3 the whole day while I do my work, other than lunch and calls.
3. Even if I am not happy, I HAD the power to decide and 3/4 understanding of my previous work.
4. I hit at least 1/2 - full my target everyday.
Yet, yesterday?
I was defeated. Utterly defeated in fact, with NO saving grace.
I have ZERO understanding of the process, I don't EVEN have or know my (new) power in this god-forsaken product/process.
I'm unable to hit my target, and I've not cleared even 1/2 my faxes.
I'm UNABLE to even plug in for 1 minute to my MP3.
What with the 20+ faxes, 3/4 still on my bloody in tray, and not even being able to do any of the ABOVE stated self commandments set by yours truly, I DO NOT EVEN DARE AND WANT TO THINK OF THE STUPID DAMN PRODUCTIVITY TARGET SET BY MY STUPID COMPANY any longer.
As if I care anymore on productivity, in the first place.
Damn it.
I should had made a 180 degree run/dash when I was offered a chance to try for admin job in the previous company. Completely REGRET now.
DAMN.
DAMN!
DAMN!!!
Even if pay is low, I'll have to wear office wear 5 - 6 days a week, non-IT related (waste my 3 years studying a damn diploma), SO WHAT!
At least, I would not be so utterly defeated now. Crushed. Helpless. Fail.
SHIT!
I think there is something SERIOUSLY wrong in me and the decisions made by me.
WHY IN THE WORLD DO I ALWAYS REGRET MY DECISIONS?!
First, my choice of studies.
Now? My job.
Am I really an idiot?? A fool? Or just incapable of making the RIGHT choices????
Damn it.
I was seriously holding back my resignation from May - July (when I complete my 1 year) and push it to November (where Curtin is open in SG). But at the rate this issue of workload is going on, I don't think I can last till May in this department/company.
See the above?
Now, I'm even questioning myself, when one should always have faith in him/herself in the first place.
Now, I am fast losing faith in my company, my department and myself.
I'm not fond of complaining about my job. But at the rate and way they handle their process and staff (throwing me LIFE into this current situation to handle this stupid product 100% all of a sudden for example without EVEN any warning), I no longer have any breathing space in my department, much less a sense of duty to tie and associate myself with this damn company any longer.
Have I mentioned somewhere that I am still tied to my original job scope??
In addition to my current job as tech support, I am supposed to handle this idiotic product myself.
I never KNOW I am a super hero. In fact, I don't even know anything anymore.
But one thing I know and confirm is that I am NOT getting a pay increase in this STUPID additional workload assigned.
In reality, I am SUPPOSED to handle tech issues when no one is around, when there is a lack of people (which is like ALWAYS), and I am supposed to clear this shit of a mess that is NOT even caused by me.
I don't think they will allow me to transfer out of this department or go back to my ORIGINAL tech job, since OBVIOUSLY NO ONE else want to handle this stupid product, and the company REFUSE to even consider scraping it off altogether.
So, the only solution out is a one way ticket out.
Guess I shall be handing out a white envelope and announce my defeat in public soon.
Real Soon, at the rate this is going.
Hitting real turbulence, rock bottom now.
Hell.
And seriously speaking, I am SERIOUSLY thinking of resigning.....
What with yesterday's issue; my mind AND heart are BOTH agreeing and telling me (for once) that I should go now, while I still have SOME good memories in this company, before I further lose and destroy myself ...
Basically, what happened yesterday was this:
After some basic training that was like REALLY basic and not even much of a training period, I.Was.Thrown.To.The.Battleground.
ALIVE.
ALONE.
In this ONE man show, within 30 minutes of starting work at 8.30am, I feel so LOVED by my company and my work.... #$%^&*
20+ faxes and letters at my table in the morning, screaming for MY attention (which I FINALLY gave up since I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what they want, what I CAN DO FOR THEM and whatever I do, I'm still gonna get complaints from them to my boss when I call them)...
You may think I am making no sense in this, since it's only 20+ letters and faxes...
But then, I felt so lost and useless... Simply because:
1. I'm the type who MUST and WILL finish the stupid faxes and letters within the day.
2. I plug in to my MP3 the whole day while I do my work, other than lunch and calls.
3. Even if I am not happy, I HAD the power to decide and 3/4 understanding of my previous work.
4. I hit at least 1/2 - full my target everyday.
Yet, yesterday?
I was defeated. Utterly defeated in fact, with NO saving grace.
I have ZERO understanding of the process, I don't EVEN have or know my (new) power in this god-forsaken product/process.
I'm unable to hit my target, and I've not cleared even 1/2 my faxes.
I'm UNABLE to even plug in for 1 minute to my MP3.
What with the 20+ faxes, 3/4 still on my bloody in tray, and not even being able to do any of the ABOVE stated self commandments set by yours truly, I DO NOT EVEN DARE AND WANT TO THINK OF THE STUPID DAMN PRODUCTIVITY TARGET SET BY MY STUPID COMPANY any longer.
As if I care anymore on productivity, in the first place.
Damn it.
I should had made a 180 degree run/dash when I was offered a chance to try for admin job in the previous company. Completely REGRET now.
DAMN.
DAMN!
DAMN!!!
Even if pay is low, I'll have to wear office wear 5 - 6 days a week, non-IT related (waste my 3 years studying a damn diploma), SO WHAT!
At least, I would not be so utterly defeated now. Crushed. Helpless. Fail.
SHIT!
I think there is something SERIOUSLY wrong in me and the decisions made by me.
WHY IN THE WORLD DO I ALWAYS REGRET MY DECISIONS?!
First, my choice of studies.
Now? My job.
Am I really an idiot?? A fool? Or just incapable of making the RIGHT choices????
Damn it.
I was seriously holding back my resignation from May - July (when I complete my 1 year) and push it to November (where Curtin is open in SG). But at the rate this issue of workload is going on, I don't think I can last till May in this department/company.
See the above?
Now, I'm even questioning myself, when one should always have faith in him/herself in the first place.
Now, I am fast losing faith in my company, my department and myself.
I'm not fond of complaining about my job. But at the rate and way they handle their process and staff (throwing me LIFE into this current situation to handle this stupid product 100% all of a sudden for example without EVEN any warning), I no longer have any breathing space in my department, much less a sense of duty to tie and associate myself with this damn company any longer.
Have I mentioned somewhere that I am still tied to my original job scope??
In addition to my current job as tech support, I am supposed to handle this idiotic product myself.
I never KNOW I am a super hero. In fact, I don't even know anything anymore.
But one thing I know and confirm is that I am NOT getting a pay increase in this STUPID additional workload assigned.
In reality, I am SUPPOSED to handle tech issues when no one is around, when there is a lack of people (which is like ALWAYS), and I am supposed to clear this shit of a mess that is NOT even caused by me.
I don't think they will allow me to transfer out of this department or go back to my ORIGINAL tech job, since OBVIOUSLY NO ONE else want to handle this stupid product, and the company REFUSE to even consider scraping it off altogether.
So, the only solution out is a one way ticket out.
Guess I shall be handing out a white envelope and announce my defeat in public soon.
Real Soon, at the rate this is going.
Hitting real turbulence, rock bottom now.
Hell.
I left a footprint at 6:40 PM